I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
