he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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