just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
