I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
