Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
