Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
