last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
