Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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