awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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