The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize