when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
