i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
