Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize