i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
