My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
