Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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