It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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