So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
