She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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