I don't usually arrange sex via text message
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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