go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize