Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
