Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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