i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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