make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
