he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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