I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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