When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
