Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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