The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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