I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
