if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
