so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
