Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
