We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Randomize
