it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
