Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
