The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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