I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
