first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
