She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
