This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
