Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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