I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
