theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
