finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize