White coat. Heels.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
