I wish I could teleport
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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