Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
