Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
