my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
