it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
