we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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