Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
