Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
