sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
