My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
