i need an iv and a liver transplant
We named our party play list daddy issues
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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