I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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