She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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