I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
