I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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