I got chris browned last night
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
