Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
